Ninth Unused Utility Belt | Video and Spam

[hellofist]

All the food... is big.

[Or, you know, she's small and everything else is huge in comparison. Cass has made it to the kitchen and found herself a pie, which she's already dug her hands into and started eating. She's actually in the pie now, holding onto a cherry the size of her head, mouth all smeared with pie filling and there might actually be some in her hair, but she doesn't care. It's a giant pie. Come on.]

Had dreams, like this. Giant food, no one to... stop me. Probably can't... eat whole pie, though.

[She looks over to the other side of the pie, the crust still all in one piece. She hasn't made it to that side yet.]

I guess... I could share.


Spam for Merlin

[After her pie escapades and a rather long bath in the kitchen sink to de-pie herself, Cass had sent out a message to Merlin. It had been a voice one just in case he hadn't wanted to see her, just something to check in on him, make sure he was handling his first strange Barge occurrence well. She was glad this was his first one, considering it was pretty easy, just a little bit of shrinking, but she still couldn't shake her need to check in on him.

He hadn't replied though. And maybe she should have just left it at that, but she just couldn't. What if he was small and got trapped under something, couldn't call for help? So she'd gone off in search for him, wiggled her way under his door and found the main part of his room seemingly empty. The stairs up to his bedroom were a bit of a challenge but before long, she's in Merlin's room, looking up at his bed and the pile of blankets there.]

Merlin?

[There's a bit of the sheet hanging down and it's easy to jump and grab it, climb up to his bed for a better look at the blanket mountain there.]

Are you... in there?

Comments

[Spam]

[takeyouapart]

[Merlin flinches. There's no way this can't feel like salt in the wound. Like she's saying 'I can protect him like you couldn't.']

I tried - !

[He exhales, quick and hard, and scrubs his hands over his face.]

I had...almost more power than I could comprehend. Enough to tear Morgana's army to pieces. It wasn't...wasn't enough.

[Spam]

[hellofist]

[She didn't mean it that way and he'll see that, once he's not feeling quite so raw. She pulls part of her sleeve down over her hand and uses it to dry his tears, thinks for a moment about what needs to happen now.]

Was anyone with you, in battle? Really with you, that knew... what you could do? That could... support you? Help you, not him?

[Spam]

[takeyouapart]

[He thinks of his father.

Merlin, you are more than a son of your father. You are son of the earth, the sea, the sky.

He had been with him, when it counted. Balinor was - is - always with him, to a degree. But when he rode to Camlann, when he killed Morgana, when he carried Arthur those last few steps?

With a measure of reluctance, he shakes his head.]

It didn't matter.

[But it's obvious that what he's really saying is: I didn't matter.]

[Spam]

[hellofist]

[That instantly gets a frown from her because it's wrong, it's so wrong and it makes Cass angry and sad all at once. She puts one hand on his shoulder and the other goes to cup his cheek, making sure he's looking at her.]

Did you forget... I see you, too? I know what you're worth. Know you don't... feel it, now. Maybe won't, for a long time.

But I know, Merlin. You matter. Everything you are, it matters.

[Spam]

[takeyouapart]

[He moves like he's going to shake his head, like he wants to keep fighting it, keep denying it - but that's the start of an argument with no end to it. If she sees the value in him then it's because her strength, too, has limits and flaws.

He meets her eyes but it doesn't last long, and his gaze slides away.]

It doesn't make any difference. It's happened. I have my deal with the Admiral, now.

[Spam]

[hellofist]

[For now, it'll have to be enough that he looked at her at all. She lets him go, but reaches for his hand to hold in both of hers. She has to show him he won't lose her, even if he tries to push her away.]

What's your deal?

[Spam]

[takeyouapart]

[He curls his hand, very slightly, around hers.]

...Arthur's destiny is to rise again, when Albion faces its hour of greatest need. My deal is to make sure I'll be there waiting for him, when it happens.

[Spam]

[hellofist]

[Merlin had once offered to use his deal to keep her safe when she returned to Gotham and she had told him no, that there were more important things for him to use his deal for. She can't help but smile, just a little, to know she was right.]

So he'll... come back.

[Of course that doesn't do much to soothe the pain of loss now, so soon after it's happened, but at least it can give him, and Cass too, a little bit of hope. Arthur will return, Merlin will be there. That just seems right, to Cass.]

Sounds like... very good deal.

[Spam]

[takeyouapart]

[He smiles, faintly.]

It's the only one I could have made.

[He does remember what he offered to Cass - remembers, too, that she turned him down. But even if she hadn't, if he was making a straight choice between Cass' safety and Arthur's future...

He's glad it's not a choice he has to make, because he knows what he'd choose.]

[Spam]

[hellofist]

[When he smiles, she can't help herself. Cass leans back in to hug him again, because how long has it been since he's smiled? She sees so much hurt inside him and seeing his smile, even though it's only been a few weeks for her, seeing him even slightly happy after everything he's been through just feels good.]

I missed you.

[Spam]

[takeyouapart]

[He doesn't return the hug, but he lets it happen, he leans into her.]

I'm glad I've remembered you, Cassandra. If I was to remember only one aspect of my time before, and all other things being lost forever...I would have been grateful, had it been you.

[Spam]

[hellofist]

Glad it's me, too.

[Maybe that's selfish, but she doesn't care. He's not hugging back though, and that's strange. She takes his hands and tugs lightly, hoping he'll get the idea and put his arms around her.]

These are better... when you hug back.

[Spam]

[takeyouapart]

[Instead of giving in, he pulls away, sitting up and disengaging - though he leaves one hand in hers.

He remembers. Holding her hand, kissing her in the CTS, sleeping alongside her. But he's no longer the Merlin who can get so close so easily, even with her, and it would be a disservice to them both if he pretended.]

...I'm sorry.

[Spam]

[hellofist]

[Less, then. She squeezes his hand and smiles at him when she shakes her head.]

It's okay. It's been years, for you. Can see... you've changed. Grown, too. But I told you, will always be here, for you. That hasn't changed.

[And she won't give up on trying to hug him completely, checking in and making sure he feels loved, holding his hand if he'll let her. Waiting for his body language to tell her he's ready for those things could take so long and she doesn't think it's right to let him close himself off, but she'll be careful with it, from now on. She does, however, refuse to let him turn into a lonely hermit for life.]

When did... you last eat?

[Spam]

[takeyouapart]

I don't remember. [Which doesn't necessarily mean it was a long time, just that he's not been over-careful about keeping track.] I'm not hungry, anyway.

[Spam]

[hellofist]

[She takes a moment to watch him, take in what his body tells her. He completely ignored her attempt to remind him he'd always have her support, something that had meant so much to the Merlin before him. Did he think he wasn't worthy of that kind of thing anymore? Did he just not want it?

One year is a long time for someone from Gotham, when every night you leave home there's no guarantee you'll come back. Four years is hard for her to really get her head around, the things he is inside will have changed and not all of that is reflected in body language. She doesn't know his motivations anymore, the things he wants for himself. He might not know them either, after the loss of Arthur. Even with his memories back, she still doesn't really know him.]

We could... go walk. Make you hungry. Or talk, even though... I'm bad at it. [For the next part, she makes herself be good at it because stumbling through sentences is bad for what she's about to say.] Or I can go.

[Spam]

[takeyouapart]

[It's not that he's ignoring it, more that he just doesn't know what to say. He isn't worthy of it, he's not used to it. He fled Camelot without knowing that the Barge was a place where he was not arriving but returning; now he remembers everything, but they're the memories of a boy. However traumatising it can be, the Barge is safe in a way that Camelot is not, and that security let him live a life that was, for all its downsides, blessed.

He's grown up, since then.

Fortunately she moved on, didn't force him to acknowledge the gift she was offering, and it's easier to talk about small things. Though he's never looked for easy, and it's about to become a big thing, again.]

...I don't know that I can be the person I was to you before. You don't have to be the person you were to me. I don't - [Deserve it.] - expect it.

[Spam]

[hellofist]

[She shuffles a bit closer to him, trying to get his attention so he'll really listen to her.]

You're my friend, Merlin. Four days, four years, four centuries, wouldn't change that. I won't... just stop, because it's hard. I love you, friend or boyfriend or stranger.

[It might take him awhile to really accept that, but it's more important that it's been said at all.]

You're worth... me caring about. That will never go away.

[Spam]

[takeyouapart]

[The shame in his face is unmistakable when he looks away.

Shame, because he would have given anything for this, once - would have returned it without a moment's thought. Because his heart is too hollow to now to offer in kind what she's offering him. Because he thought the return of his memory would help, but all it serves to do is highlight how the Barge gave his younger self a life beyond Camelot that he's too broken to pick up again.

He's exhausted by his grief, but he's clinging onto it, because he's afraid to learn what lies beyond. He can't even gather the energy to hate himself. Maybe once the pain heals he just...won't feel anything else at all.]

You should go.

[He can't be cruel to her, deliberately. He did mean it when he said he was glad to have remembered her. Her love is still a privilege, an honour - just not one he's worthy of any more, if he ever was.

Maybe in time he'll rediscover the part of himself that reached back to her as she does to him. Until then all he can do is hope that she realises he's not worth the wait.]</small.

[Spam]

[hellofist]

[She nods and stands, a little unsteady on her feet when the mattress gives and her feet sink in the blankets. She reaches for his shoulder and gives it a gentle squeeze.]

When we're big, will come see you again. Got... ice cream thing, for Christmas. Took awhile, but... figured it out. Will bring you some.

[Because she's just not going to let him lock himself up in his sadness forever. The smallness flood will probably last another day at least and a little space will be good. She heads off to where the blanket was hanging down for her to climb, but before she goes she looks back over to him.]

Won't mention... your memories are back. Should have more time... to adjust.

[She's pretty sure having a flood of people trying to break his door down to reconnect won't be even slightly helpful.]

[Spam]

[takeyouapart]

[He doesn't mind being tiny. Maybe if he stays this way for a few weeks people will forget he's here.]

...Thank you.

[He pulls his knees up to his chin, wraps his arms around them, and watches her go.]