Ninteenth Unused Utility Belt | Video, backdated to after the breach ends (cw: fire damage)

[hellofist]

[The feed comes on to show Cass... well, she kind of looks like crap. But more than that, behind her her room, her real room on the Barge, seems to be confused about what it wants to be. In some places it's a replication of what Merlin's room looks like - there's his bed in one corner, a large wooden table with a red rose in a pot, for example.

Other parts are what the inside of a burned down building would look like. There's smoke damage, blackened walls, the remains of a dresser. The big computer is halfway melted and warped, the screen cracked and beyond repair. Looks like the Barge couldn't recreate what home is for Cass because she doesn't even know herself anymore.]

I'm back.

[There's not... that much to say after that, really. She's back, yay, no she doesn't want to talk about it.]

It was... about a week? I think. Learned... lots of things. About me, about... what I'm for. Why I... was made. It's funny, how you can... be so sure, who you are, but be... completely wrong.

Anyway. Back.


[Private to Merlin]
Are you... working? Or in room?


[Private to Dean, Chris, and Cassel, sent separately]
Have... to give you something. Can I come over?


[Private to Stephanie]
I understand, now. Why... I'm not Batgirl. Why you are. I didn't really, before. But... I'm glad you are.


[Private to Kon]
[After far too long passes with no answer to Steph, Kon gets a slightly panicked message from Cass.]

Where is Stephanie?


[Private to Dick Grayson and Tim Drake]
I know... that you won't see this. You can't. I just miss you. I shouldn't, but I wish... you were here.

Comments

SPAM

[hellofist]

[It's still very recent, so she turns to hug him back, trying not to cling but still clinging just a little. The telling is almost done, there's just a little more.]

While I... was dead, I saw Stephanie. She was... taking me away, I guess. To where... dead people go. Told me everything, about Cain and... Bludhaven, how it was gone. Showed me... how I failed. My city, my friends, the people I loved... gone.

[Her last moments with Brenda and Zero are clear in her head and she thinks she might cry for the chances lost there, the friendship and love that she could have finally had. Lost forever, now that she's back here. That may never stop hurting.]

There's magic in my world. A Lazarus Pit, it... brings back the dead. They tend to come back... wrong, insane. Very violent. Shiva put me in, and I... came back that way, too. She trapped me, waited til I... was calm. Then, told me everything.

She had me... so I'd kill her. To stop her. Said she killed forty-eight people, since I'd seen her. And she... wasn't going to stop. Told me she'd keep going...

So I killed her. She... thanked me, as she died. Then... I just left. Left everything.

SPAM

[takeyouapart]

[Now he knows she's done, and he understands.

How you can... be so sure, who you are...

Merlin's killed people. It has changed him. Every one of them, he carries like a hook snagging into his heart, Morgana most of all - but he did it, because his other options were too awful to contemplate, and if he could live his life over he knows he'd make the same decisions.

He knows Cassandra isn't like him, and he truly thinks she's better for it. One death was too much for her to bear. Two - her own mother -

He fears what this will do to her. What it's already done.]

I'm so sorry, Cass. I'm so sorry she demanded that of you.

[Because that's the horror of this, as he hears it. Shiva took the lives of everyone she'd killed and weighed them against the principles Cassandra had come to live by, and forced her to choose. As if any choice would have been right.]

SPAM

[hellofist]

[She leans back a little bit, reaching into her pocket to pull out a strip of folded black fabric.]

I can't... be who I was, anymore. I don't know how, after... everything. But it still means something. Needs to be remembered.

[She holds the scrap out to him now, the most important piece of her. It's the symbol from her suit, her symbol. She can't wear it anymore, so she cut it free and the only place it can go is into Merlin's care.]

Re: SPAM

[takeyouapart]

[He accepts the patch as if he's taking a sacred relic, and he doesn't tell her she's wrong. When Merlin left the lakeside of Avalon to return to the Barge he didn't think, either, that he could be anything that he'd been before. He'd had one task, in Arthur's protection, and failed at it completely.

It took him months to realise that there was something more, something beyond what he'd perceived as the end - and Cass had helped him come to that knowledge. Maybe she'll change her mind, eventually; maybe he'll help her do it. But it'll take time, as all wounds take time to heal.]

I'll take care of it. I swear.

[Until she's ready to reclaim it, if she ever will be.]

SPAM

[hellofist]

I know. There's a reason... you get most important part of me.

[They're the same in this way too, as horrible as that is. She wishes they weren't and that they had normal lives, no killing or dying or losing, but at every turn they've both been handed the worst possible outcome.

But Merlin is strong, and Cass knows she's strong too. This doesn't have to break her, she can find a way to move forward and become something new. The only question is what will that be?]

I don't... know what to do, now. When I left Bludhaven, didn't plan... to ever go back.

Re: SPAM

[takeyouapart]

[The most important part of her. Merlin knows. He gets her heart, because a long time ago he offered to protect it. He takes her hand.]

You don't have to know yet. I didn't. You know how long it took me to feel like there was anything left for me, after - after Arthur.

SPAM

[hellofist]

[She nods, leaning closer to him and squeezing his hand.]

I know. I have time, to... figure it out, here.

[But she wants to be different now because as it stands, the last thing she did was kill someone. Her mother. It feels like what defines her and she doesn't regret it.

There's a small, dark part of her that might not ever regret it. How can she when she's prevented the deaths of so many people? There might be blood on her hands, but doesn't the lives she's saved outweigh the one she took?]

I know I should... be sorry, for killing her. She was my mother. I am sorry that she... had to die. But not sorry she's dead.

Re: SPAM

[takeyouapart]

[He ducks his head.]

...I felt that way about Morgana. I know it's not the same, but -- I loved her, a little, a long time ago. I would have done anything to stop her, but...in the end, there was only one thing I could do. And I'm not sorry that I did it.

SPAM

[hellofist]

Merlin...

[She lets go of his hand so she can hug him again, wondering what it is about them that draws all the worst things the universe has to hand out to them. It may be worse for Merlin, Morgana is here, he has to live his days here knowing he might see her, have to confront that loss constantly. At least Shiva is far away.]

I'm sorry. I wish... things could be different.

SPAM

[takeyouapart]

[He returns the hug, leaning into her.]

So do I.

SPAM

[hellofist]

[She just holds him for awhile, soaking up what it feels like to feel real love, not... whatever it was Shiva had for her. That wasn't love, it can't be. Cain has it when he looks at her, twisted and wrong, but Shiva abandoned her. There's nothing wrong about how Merlin loves her and right now she desperately needs this.

After a few long moments, she remembers something.]

Something... kind of good happened, I guess. Barbara did tests, on my brain. In normal brains, language is... in one place. Mine is everywhere, scattered around. So, hard to learn, but I can. Just have to... find right ways.

Re: SPAM

[takeyouapart]

Oh -

[Merlin doesn't entirely get neurology - he has a high school graduate's grasp of modern science and a fairly comprehensive understanding of the medical fundamentals - but he understands that parts of the brain are dedicated to different things and that sometimes when one part of the brain fails (or is used by something else in this case, he assumes), other parts take up the slack.]

That's wonderful, Cass. You know I'll help you, with anything you need.

SPAM

[hellofist]

You already are.

[So many things will be so different now, but the knowledge that this hasn't changed, that Merlin is a constant while everything else is up in the air and confused, it's comforting in a way nothing else ever has been before.

Barbara had asked her if there had been anyone there for her while she was gone and the answer had been no, but here? Everything is here, so until she knows what she's going to do, what she's going to be, at least she's not alone.]

Tell me... what you did, while I was gone. Things that happened. How is Marquis? Things going okay?

SPAM

[takeyouapart]

He's alright. But things are - they're not going at all, really. [He frowns faintly.] I - I know I should feel worse about it than I do. But neither of us are in a hurry to leave, and so...

[He shrugs a bit helplessly. He doesn't feel any urgent need to offer himself up to be bullied and taunted and generally overlooked by someone who seems comfortable with just turning the Barge into his home and staying there forever.]

SPAM

[hellofist]

[She understands, of course. Loki had been less than pleasant, some days having to deal with that is more than anyone could want to do.]

Can I help?

[Typically if she were in a joking mood she'd offer to punch Merlin's inmate until he listened, but she doesn't have that in her right now.]

SPAM

[takeyouapart]

You help by being here, Cassandra.

[He lifts her hand, kissing her knuckles lightly.]

SPAM

[hellofist]

[There's a little bit of sting to that because she wasn't and it still feels like abandonment, but that's not what he intends. The better feelings outweigh anything else and she has to smile. It's tiny and barely counts as a smile, but it's something. It's a start.]

Good to know... that hasn't changed. You're just... naturally romantic, Merlin.

SPAM

[takeyouapart]

[You'd think he'd have grown out of blushing at remarks like that.

He hasn't. Oops.]

I think you naturally bring it out in me, that's all.

SPAM

[hellofist]

[She leans in to kiss his cheek.]

I'm okay with that.