Ninth Unused Utility Belt | Video and Spam

[hellofist]

All the food... is big.

[Or, you know, she's small and everything else is huge in comparison. Cass has made it to the kitchen and found herself a pie, which she's already dug her hands into and started eating. She's actually in the pie now, holding onto a cherry the size of her head, mouth all smeared with pie filling and there might actually be some in her hair, but she doesn't care. It's a giant pie. Come on.]

Had dreams, like this. Giant food, no one to... stop me. Probably can't... eat whole pie, though.

[She looks over to the other side of the pie, the crust still all in one piece. She hasn't made it to that side yet.]

I guess... I could share.


Spam for Merlin

[After her pie escapades and a rather long bath in the kitchen sink to de-pie herself, Cass had sent out a message to Merlin. It had been a voice one just in case he hadn't wanted to see her, just something to check in on him, make sure he was handling his first strange Barge occurrence well. She was glad this was his first one, considering it was pretty easy, just a little bit of shrinking, but she still couldn't shake her need to check in on him.

He hadn't replied though. And maybe she should have just left it at that, but she just couldn't. What if he was small and got trapped under something, couldn't call for help? So she'd gone off in search for him, wiggled her way under his door and found the main part of his room seemingly empty. The stairs up to his bedroom were a bit of a challenge but before long, she's in Merlin's room, looking up at his bed and the pile of blankets there.]

Merlin?

[There's a bit of the sheet hanging down and it's easy to jump and grab it, climb up to his bed for a better look at the blanket mountain there.]

Are you... in there?

Comments

[Spam]

[takeyouapart]

Hi.

[He's quiet for a while because he doesn't know how to say it. How to contain it all in one sentence - that he remembers the Barge, and her, how much has happened in Camelot, what it's done to him, how it's broken him, that he's probably never going to be the person who left her, that he's sorry.

He swallows.]

Arthur's -- dead.

[Spam]

[hellofist]

[The thing of it is that he doesn't have to say it. She sees in his body that there's familiarity there now, but more than anything else, he's hurting in a way that will take so, so much to fix. But it can be fixed. Somehow, he can be fixed because there's all the time in the world here, his friends and family are here.

But that news, along with what she sees in him...]

Oh, Merlin.

[Now she hugs him, because he needs it and she needs to do it. Arthur's dead repeats in her head and everything, from his emptiness to his desire to clean Arthur's room, it all makes sense now.]

[Spam]

[takeyouapart]

[For a split second his whole body goes rigid like he's going to shake her off because he doesn't want it, he doesn't, he's weathered peace and war alike for years without anyone to lean on who truly understands the weight of his burden. Even at the very end he still carried Arthur, held him, and now it's gone. It's all gone. Now he feels weightless, and it's not better; it's worse in ways he couldn't have imagined. There's nothing to ground him, nothing to steer him except the distant promise of the Once And Future King.

Cassandra's arms, they anchor him. And he weeps, his body wracked with the compulsive sobs he hasn't let out since the day he arrived.

He hides his face against her neck. He's eight inches tall; he feels smaller.]

I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

[Spam]

[hellofist]

[One hand goes up to the back of his head, but her other arm stays tight around him like if she just holds him a little closer, she can leech all his pain away, take it into herself and bear it for him.]

Don't be sorry. I've got you. [She knows him and she knows no matter how it happened, how things played out, she knows he'd done everything he possibly could. She could use her deal to save Arthur's life. Or go back with them after all, shadow Arthur the rest of his life to keep him safe.

Find the person who did it and kill them before they have the chance.

There has to be an option to stop something so horrible from happening, but now isn't the time to brainstorm. She strokes Merlin's hair instead, sets them to rocking gently while she lets him pour all of his tears out. Words are useless when all you feel is hopelessness and hurt and she knows better than anyone that sometimes, you need to break before you can begin to heal.]

[Spam]

[takeyouapart]

[He can't know for sure if it helps. Sometimes, the only thing that keeps you upright is knowing there's nobody left to catch you when you fall. In Cass' arms, there's a real chance he won't be able to stop crying, or shaking, or feeling like he could just lay down and never stand.

Eventually - it's not a short time - he goes quiet. Face white-pale, eyes dark and red-rimmed, he rests his forehead on her shoulder.]

...I am sorry. I don't want to make a liar of you, Cass, I don't want to ask it of you, but...he can't know. He can't. Morgana - none of them can know.

[Spam]

[hellofist]

[Familiarity makes her press a quick kiss to the side of his head and she doesn't realize it might be the wrong thing to do until after it's already done. She won't take it back, though.]

Will never tell. Knowing you're... going to die, it changes you. Don't want that, for him.

[Things matter a little less, when you know everything you do will end up pointless before it ever should. If Arthur ever does find out, it won't be from Cass.]

What happened? If you... can say. [If he's not ready to talk about it yet then she's perfectly content to just keep hanging on to him, but it seems right to give him the chance to stop carrying this burden all on his own.]

[Spam]

[takeyouapart]

[The words come strangely easily.]

One of - Arthur's knights. Mordred. He turned against us, he joined Morgana, and they...they raised an army to march on Camelot. Arthur took his men out to meet them, and Mordred...

...Mordred dealt him a mortal blow, on the field of battle.

[He draws a deep, shuddering breath, and what comes next is harder.]

I knew it would happen. I knew, but...Morgana stole my magic from me. By the time I had it back, by the time I sought out Mordred, Arthur had killed him and it was...too late. It was already done.

[He'd failed. Perhaps not in fostering the Albion he had always dreamed of, but in protecting his best friend.]

[Spam]

[hellofist]

Mordred.

[That's a name she's never going to be able to forget, now. And Morgana's part in it... There's so much there to consider. When Merlin breathes that way Cass gives him another hug, hand rubbing at his back gently.]

Being here... can change Morgana. If it doesn't... Arthur said, I'm welcome in Camelot. Could go back, if he does. Can protect him.

[Spam]

[takeyouapart]

[Merlin flinches. There's no way this can't feel like salt in the wound. Like she's saying 'I can protect him like you couldn't.']

I tried - !

[He exhales, quick and hard, and scrubs his hands over his face.]

I had...almost more power than I could comprehend. Enough to tear Morgana's army to pieces. It wasn't...wasn't enough.

[Spam]

[hellofist]

[She didn't mean it that way and he'll see that, once he's not feeling quite so raw. She pulls part of her sleeve down over her hand and uses it to dry his tears, thinks for a moment about what needs to happen now.]

Was anyone with you, in battle? Really with you, that knew... what you could do? That could... support you? Help you, not him?

[Spam]

[takeyouapart]

[He thinks of his father.

Merlin, you are more than a son of your father. You are son of the earth, the sea, the sky.

He had been with him, when it counted. Balinor was - is - always with him, to a degree. But when he rode to Camlann, when he killed Morgana, when he carried Arthur those last few steps?

With a measure of reluctance, he shakes his head.]

It didn't matter.

[But it's obvious that what he's really saying is: I didn't matter.]

[Spam]

[hellofist]

[That instantly gets a frown from her because it's wrong, it's so wrong and it makes Cass angry and sad all at once. She puts one hand on his shoulder and the other goes to cup his cheek, making sure he's looking at her.]

Did you forget... I see you, too? I know what you're worth. Know you don't... feel it, now. Maybe won't, for a long time.

But I know, Merlin. You matter. Everything you are, it matters.

[Spam]

[takeyouapart]

[He moves like he's going to shake his head, like he wants to keep fighting it, keep denying it - but that's the start of an argument with no end to it. If she sees the value in him then it's because her strength, too, has limits and flaws.

He meets her eyes but it doesn't last long, and his gaze slides away.]

It doesn't make any difference. It's happened. I have my deal with the Admiral, now.

[Spam]

[hellofist]

[For now, it'll have to be enough that he looked at her at all. She lets him go, but reaches for his hand to hold in both of hers. She has to show him he won't lose her, even if he tries to push her away.]

What's your deal?

[Spam]

[takeyouapart]

[He curls his hand, very slightly, around hers.]

...Arthur's destiny is to rise again, when Albion faces its hour of greatest need. My deal is to make sure I'll be there waiting for him, when it happens.

[Spam]

[hellofist]

[Merlin had once offered to use his deal to keep her safe when she returned to Gotham and she had told him no, that there were more important things for him to use his deal for. She can't help but smile, just a little, to know she was right.]

So he'll... come back.

[Of course that doesn't do much to soothe the pain of loss now, so soon after it's happened, but at least it can give him, and Cass too, a little bit of hope. Arthur will return, Merlin will be there. That just seems right, to Cass.]

Sounds like... very good deal.

[Spam]

[takeyouapart]

[He smiles, faintly.]

It's the only one I could have made.

[He does remember what he offered to Cass - remembers, too, that she turned him down. But even if she hadn't, if he was making a straight choice between Cass' safety and Arthur's future...

He's glad it's not a choice he has to make, because he knows what he'd choose.]

[Spam]

[hellofist]

[When he smiles, she can't help herself. Cass leans back in to hug him again, because how long has it been since he's smiled? She sees so much hurt inside him and seeing his smile, even though it's only been a few weeks for her, seeing him even slightly happy after everything he's been through just feels good.]

I missed you.

[Spam]

[takeyouapart]

[He doesn't return the hug, but he lets it happen, he leans into her.]

I'm glad I've remembered you, Cassandra. If I was to remember only one aspect of my time before, and all other things being lost forever...I would have been grateful, had it been you.

[Spam]

[hellofist]

Glad it's me, too.

[Maybe that's selfish, but she doesn't care. He's not hugging back though, and that's strange. She takes his hands and tugs lightly, hoping he'll get the idea and put his arms around her.]

These are better... when you hug back.

[Spam]

[takeyouapart]

[Instead of giving in, he pulls away, sitting up and disengaging - though he leaves one hand in hers.

He remembers. Holding her hand, kissing her in the CTS, sleeping alongside her. But he's no longer the Merlin who can get so close so easily, even with her, and it would be a disservice to them both if he pretended.]

...I'm sorry.

[Spam]

[hellofist]

[Less, then. She squeezes his hand and smiles at him when she shakes her head.]

It's okay. It's been years, for you. Can see... you've changed. Grown, too. But I told you, will always be here, for you. That hasn't changed.

[And she won't give up on trying to hug him completely, checking in and making sure he feels loved, holding his hand if he'll let her. Waiting for his body language to tell her he's ready for those things could take so long and she doesn't think it's right to let him close himself off, but she'll be careful with it, from now on. She does, however, refuse to let him turn into a lonely hermit for life.]

When did... you last eat?

[Spam]

[takeyouapart]

I don't remember. [Which doesn't necessarily mean it was a long time, just that he's not been over-careful about keeping track.] I'm not hungry, anyway.

[Spam]

[hellofist]

[She takes a moment to watch him, take in what his body tells her. He completely ignored her attempt to remind him he'd always have her support, something that had meant so much to the Merlin before him. Did he think he wasn't worthy of that kind of thing anymore? Did he just not want it?

One year is a long time for someone from Gotham, when every night you leave home there's no guarantee you'll come back. Four years is hard for her to really get her head around, the things he is inside will have changed and not all of that is reflected in body language. She doesn't know his motivations anymore, the things he wants for himself. He might not know them either, after the loss of Arthur. Even with his memories back, she still doesn't really know him.]

We could... go walk. Make you hungry. Or talk, even though... I'm bad at it. [For the next part, she makes herself be good at it because stumbling through sentences is bad for what she's about to say.] Or I can go.

[Spam]

[takeyouapart]

[It's not that he's ignoring it, more that he just doesn't know what to say. He isn't worthy of it, he's not used to it. He fled Camelot without knowing that the Barge was a place where he was not arriving but returning; now he remembers everything, but they're the memories of a boy. However traumatising it can be, the Barge is safe in a way that Camelot is not, and that security let him live a life that was, for all its downsides, blessed.

He's grown up, since then.

Fortunately she moved on, didn't force him to acknowledge the gift she was offering, and it's easier to talk about small things. Though he's never looked for easy, and it's about to become a big thing, again.]

...I don't know that I can be the person I was to you before. You don't have to be the person you were to me. I don't - [Deserve it.] - expect it.